U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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