you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize