My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
