i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
