my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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