sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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