There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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