Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
