i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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