Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
