People in love make me want to vomit
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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