why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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