we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
