Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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