I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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