just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
