So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
