Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
