I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
