Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
