During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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