Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
