nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
