I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
