so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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