i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
