I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
