pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I need a beard to bite.
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