no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Drunk is a universal language darling
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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