I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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