dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
