Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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