So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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