the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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