No awkward lesbian experiences without me
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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