I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
