Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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