he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
