Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
