Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
