Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
