plz talk dirty to me
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Randomize
