There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
