I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
