Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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