i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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