Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
