im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
