Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
