swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
