I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
