True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize